Grunt 'n' Squeak

Visualization

When Amy and I first started discussing the idea of having kids, I had a hard time visualizing us with actual kids.  I imagined us with a baby...just one...and never really visualized much farther into the future of parenthood than that.  It would be cute, and we would have the occasional sleepless night, and we would figure things out along the way, and mostly it would make Amy happy and our family happy, so heck, let's have a baby.  Clearly things went a little differently than I'd visualized.  In my defense, however, I've always been crap at visualization exercises.

Here we now are, well past the range of my visualization, and I could never have imagined or pictured how hard or how gratifying it would be to have kids, especially two very different twin boys.  They are learning so many things so quickly, and keep me constantly on guard for the next thing that is going to make me laugh or cry.  They are starting to communicate well enough to reveal the funny things that go through their minds, and it couldn't be more entertaining.  It makes me crave more, and wish that I could understand them better, and wonder what kind of people they will become, and where we are going in the future.

I remember growing up as a kid in Utah, we didn't do a whole lot of traveling, just a lot of camping around home, and a few far-flung trips to other western states.  We had a great time on these trips, but I can clearly remember my dad telling me that he had no desire to go anywhere east of the Rockies.  His daughters had other plans.  Rebecca (my sis) forced him to drive her all the way to New York for a naturalist job, and then a lot later on she forced him to go visit her in Germany.  To his own surprise, I think he found that while the western US holds some seriously amazing things, he can really enjoy what the rest of the world has to offer.  I'm sure my mom didn't ever expect to have to travel all the way to Vancouver BC to watch me get married.  I'm pretty sure that neither of my parents visualized sending Jenny off on a big yellow school bus to travel North America to play the cello with Granite Youth Symphony.  My point here is not to point out that my dad is a travel grouch, or that Rebecca is still far more well-traveled than the rest of us, or that my parents were a little shocked when I told them that Amy was the love of my life.  It's that you never really know where your kids will take you, both physically and emotionally, and I find myself often thinking about that when I see the untapped potential for both greatness and mischief in my own boys.

Amy thinks I'm nuts, but I pretty much go around visually replacing our kids as young adults into most situations.  And in most of those situations, they are spectacular knitters, and spectacularly happy.  I think the two are related, but that's beside the point.  Last year we went to some concerts, and I'd easily imagine how cool it would be if Grayson were the drummer in the opening band, having the time of his life playing on stage for chump change with his buddies.  He may not be the next Foo Fighter, but he could do it.  And he will have knit all the bad-ass beanies that the band is wearing. 

While watching Shaun White easily kick butt at the winter Olympics, I imagine how difficult it might be standing at the finish line watching Ben in 20 years catch amazing air, and hope he doesn't break his neck, winning an Olympic medal, or not, being slightly in shock that this is where our kid brought us, all while he's wearing some awesome board socks that he knit his very own self, as a relaxation technique that he picked up from his loving mother before attempting crazy tricks like the half luzter pretzle dip with a 1280 wigglypoo at the end.  Or whatever the kids will be doing in those days. 

I also spend a lot of time visualizing the average normal things they will be doing, although I know that it doesn't matter what I visualize, they will be doing their own thing anyway.  In the mean time I get to listen to Ben point out all of my moles and zits, because those are the two most fascinating words that he's learned lately.  He's got a strategically hidden mole on his own person that can only be seen when he's sans diaper, and he was particularly concerned when he couldn't find it with his diaper on.  I reassured him that even when his diaper is on, his mole is still there.  So he patted it through his diaper and says in a quiet voice "mole sleeping!"    And I get the most amazing kisses from Grayson, where he holds my face with both hands, and presses his forehead against mine, and pokes out his puckered lips for a big fat smooch.  I never once visualized how awesome that would be, but it makes my day every time. I can't wait to see where we go next, and I just hope that we are lucky enough to have it be mostly great stuff.

Ten Tidbits

I keep thinking of random thing that should go in the blog, but have no real story to relate them all together.  So here they are, just so I can get them out of my head:

1.  Despite my previous semi-rant about being firmly resolved against resolutions, I have in fact flossed my teeth every day since the new year...as well as lost a couple pounds and gone to the gym.  Yay me.

2.  I was passing by the boys' room the other night, about 45 minutes after putting them to bed, and heard Ben roaring like a giggly dinosaur.  This was promptly followed by Grayson yelling out "No no!".  Then silence.  Cracked me up.

3.  Every day as we are walking into the gym, the boys run up the sidewalk to where the emergency exit door from the aerobics room is, they press their faces up against the glass, and they start dancing around.  Cracks me up, and the women taking aerobics kind of get a smile out of it too.

4.  Benjamin copies every thing he hears, but Amy swears that he really just said "juice box" and not something bad that sounds amazingly similar if spoken by a two-year-old learning how to talk.  If you want to know what it was, you'll have to ask Amy.

5.  Grayson is a complete drama queen as of late, and upon realizing that he's not getting his way in any situation, at any time, anywhere, he will let his body go completely limp, collapse on the ground (asphalt, public restroom filth) and heave a sigh like the weight of the world is crushing his wee tiny spirit.  I let strangers step over him while I pretend to look for his mother. 

6.  If you are my mother and you are reading this, be prepared for me to descend upon your house with the ankle-biters, in search of some respite.  I do not know exactly when this breakdown is coming, but rest assured, it may be soon.

7.  Ben actually bit my ankle the other day. 

8.  We have failed miserably in the "3 day potty training" experiment that I had so much faith in.  We have failed so miserably that I in fact have begun questioning the reliability of my own continence. 

9.  Number eight was really hard for me to admit, because damn-it-all, I was gonna be super mom, and have those boys using the potty day and night.  Now my little sister is gonna laugh at me, and my other sister will wait until her daughter is nine before she tries to potty train. 

10.    The boys favorite movie right now is the Wizard of Oz.  They frequently are begging me to watch the "witch show", and they are always so delighted when the good witch shows up, particularly because they are also very fond of bubbles right now.  I watch it with them every time, and I love it just as much every single time.  I also watch "Up" with them a lot, and I cry every time his wife dies, even though it's the thousandth time I've watched it, and I know it's coming.   

Happy Halloween!

It's that time of year again, when we come up with grandiose ideas for what the kids should be for Halloween, and fully commit ourselves to insane amounts of work and money for a holiday our kids don't understand or care about yet, all for the gratification of taking cute pictures and listening to others tell us that they look adorable.  Without further ado, here they are, the best Oompa Loompa's ever, and we hope you all have a fun Halloween!

 

 

 

 

Two Years Ago

Two years ago today I couldn't see my feet.  I could hardly walk, I could barely breath, and I was scared shitless.  

Two years ago today we picked my mom up from the airport, and we went to the Olive Garden for dinner, for one last pre-baby hurrah.  I didn't eat much, I was too scared.  Scared in general, scared of surgery, scared I'd get sick during or after surgery, scared of being a mom, scared of surgery, scared of my kids, and whether when push came to shove I'd be able to step up to the plate and be the kind of mom I wanted to be, scared of surgery.

Two years ago today I was frantically trying to put my house back together, the best I could given my physical limitations, after having the carpet in the entire house replaced the day before.  This was not poor planning on our part, it was a warranty job, and in one of my only glorious attempt to "nest", I wanted it done before the babies were born.  My second attempt to "nest" was taking the dogs to Petsmart to be groomed before the babies came.  I think Amy is still sporting scars from that seemingly innocent trip through the store, and my absolute burning hatred for the idiot who decided it was a good idea to put the entrance to grooming in the back of the store found a whole new reason to flare that day.  I don't think the dogs have been groomed at Petsmart since.  

Two years ago today I was feeling my babies movements inside of me for the last time.  I was in absolute elation that we had made it safely to the pre-determined delivery date, with no pre-term labor or complications.  I was in awe that after all the frustration and hell we'd been through to create these babies, after all the times my body had failed me, hadn't been the right size, the right shape, done the right things, when it really mattered, my broken and imperfect body had finally done something right, and carried my babies to term.  I'd brought them this far, and it was now someone else's turn to hold them for a while.  

Two years ago tomorrow I watched Amy suit up in a flattering white hospital jump-suit while she made fun of my monumental cankles.  I saw the disappointment in my mom's eyes as the nurse was telling her that she was sorry, there was just not enough room to have an extra person in the operating room to see the boys be born, and in the very next breath, ask my permission to have a nursing student stand in to watch the surgery.  I was still scared shitless.  I wanted very much to get off the table and go home to watch videos in my pajamas and balance my cereal bowl on my belly, but instead I used my deep breathing techniques from my childbirth class to keep from having an anxiety attack. 

Two years ago tomorrow, Amy almost missed seeing her kids be born because of a stupid nurse, but made it in time to take the most spectacularly grotesque and fascinating pictures I have ever seen.  I survived the surgery and stopped being scared as I heard first one tiny baby cry out, and a minute or two later, a second distinctly different baby cry.  I heard our camera shutter clicking away, and felt Amy hold her breath twice, in what I later came to realize was that painful eternity between the time when you first see your baby, and then you hear that first scream. 

Two years ago tomorrow, Benjamin came into the world a whopping 7lbs, 2 oz, and Grayson followed one minute behind, at 6lbs, 5 oz.  After saying hello to me, they were promptly whisked away to the nursery, and I didn't see them again for hours, though Amy came in to give me updates as often as she could tear herself away. 

Two years ago tomorrow, I had my heart stolen by two tiny little men.  I watched my partner kick into mom mode, and I gained a new found respect for her ability to instantly devote her entire being to these two helpless babies, and at the same time she selflessly nursed me through a pretty brutal recovery. 

Two years ago tomorrow I had no idea that Benjamin would be such a mama's boy, and that Grayson would have such an inquisitive nature, but I did know instantly that these little guys had arrived with their own distinct personalities, and that they already had their own ideas about how things would go, despite any preparations on my part.  I can't believe it's gone so fast, though I knew in my heart that it would.  Happy Birthday my little men, I can't wait to see what kind of people you are two years from now!

 

 

ps, there are fun new pics of their second birthday party on the right there...

It gets easier

Happy Birthday my beautiful little men!

No Place Like Home

Dear Ben and Grayson,

Oh, my goodness you are growing up fast my little men.  I knew you would, but here you are nearly a year old, and I can't even believe how different our lives are since you arrived.  I can't believe how different YOU are since you arrived.  This time last year I was a very uncomfortable, very worried mommy-to-be, hoping that you were doing alright, wondering what you were going to be like, what kind of mommy I was going to be, how I was going to manage taking care of two babies at once, and if you were going to surprise us by arriving earlier than we planned.  Thanks goodness you arrived right on time, I figured out how to take care of you, and you both turned out to be healthy and happy little guys. 

We already celebrated your first birthday, with a trip to the beach with Grandma and Grandpa, and your cousins and aunts and uncles.  You squished cake like champions, resented the subsequent baths, and otherwise had no idea why we were all staring at you so much.  Grayson, you had a hard time getting into your own groove at the beach, and we felt bad that none of your family got to see much of how you are normally a big practical joker, and how funny you really are.  Maybe it's those two new teeth that popped out on the trip making you feel a little blue.  Or maybe it was being away from home with all the fuss and craziness of bringing four families together in one house for a week.  Ben, you were a happy camper on the trip, except you could have done without all the driving to get there and back.

You both seem even more grown up just since we left home last week!  You are eating all sorts of grown up foods like champs, even though you've only got those front teeth.  Pizza and grilled cheese sandwiches go down surprisingly fast...like mother like sons, I guess.  And you can't get enough fresh fruit.  I still haven't fed you anything you don't like, although the texture of broccoli florets through you off a little.  I guess I still need to blend those a bit to get them down.  You are cruising around the furniture and bonking your heads on everything in sight, and I can't wait until you learn how to stand up on your own, although I'm ok if you put off walking a little while longer. 

We are still waiting for you to say Mama, or any other discernable word...I am guessing you are saving up to make it really grand.  Grandpa is pretty sure your first word is going to be "shit" after spending a little time with us.  He's so funny, that grandpa.  You can start talking any time now though, cuz your moms are waiting to hear what you have to say. 

You've both been very happy to be home from our trip, and I can't blame you.  It's nice to be here where you can be the center of attention again, and where there is less sand in your diapers.  We miss the spare hands to babysit, and we will miss having grandma around to make you laugh all the time, but we have lots of pictures and memories. 

We love you babies, don't grow up too fast!

Love Mama

 

Dear Grayson

Dear Grayson,

You are only 10 days away from being 8 months old, and you are shooting up by leaps and bounds.  When you and Ben were brand new, it seemed like Ben was hitting all of his milestones just a little ahead of you because he was born a little bigger.  Now you are leaving Ben's shadow and finding new things to do all on your own.  You are certainly learning to stand all on your own terms.

You love movement of all kinds.  If anyone is nearby to offer a hand, you pull your little self up to stand on your legs, and look around from your new tall-boy perspective.  You love jumping up and down, when your moms toss you in the air, zooming around the room like Superbaby, and kicking your legs every moment you aren't standing on them. Not only that, you love to watch movement of all kinds.  The ceiling fan offers you an endless source of entertainment, the dogs are fascinating, especially if their tails are wagging, and the mobiles we have hanging around the house are sure to make you smile if mama blows them around.  You love watching whatever is going on, and moms sometimes have a hard time keeping your attention on them for much conversation or eating dinner. 

You are a great sleeper, and have been sleeping through the night for several months now.  We only have to give you a blanket and turn on your "TV". The crib-side music maker that lights up keeps your attention until you can't fight your drooping eyes any longer.  This month you have decided that learning to crawl is more important than sleep sometimes.  We often find you in strange places in your crib, sound asleep on your tummy with your knees tucked under you and your little tushy poking straight up in the air.   You aren't quite there yet, but as soon as you can stay up on both your hands and your knees at the same time, you will be off like a rocket. 

While it takes quite a bit to get you to laugh out loud, you are quick with your smiles and will offer one up to anyone who wants to say hello.  You love making friends, and seeing new people.   While you sleep well at night, you take short naps during the day because you just don't like missing out on the fun. You love your brother, and are very patient most of the time.  You seem to understand that your mommy can't always get to you right away, and you pleasantly wait your turn without protest, sometimes more often than is fair.  When you do cry right out loud, it's the saddest sound in the world, and great big crocodile tears run down your face...no fake crying for you, you really mean it.

You are an amazing baby and I can't wait to see what kind of little kid you grow up to be.

Love forever,
Mama