Out with the old, and in with the...old. I shall admit right up front that New Year's Eve/Day is my least favorite Holiday. I think I feel about New Year's what actively-seeking-singles must feel about Valentine's Day. New Year's always sneaks up on me like an icy snowball that wipes out the lovely glow of the Christmas season (which is my favorite holiday) with a wet and miserable thud.
New Years Eve arrives every year with Amy and I asking ourselves what we are going to do this year. Every year it is the same. We have no party invites (I think that would require a close-knit-but-well-diversified group of friends that included someone inclined to throw a party), no babysitter (didn't even look, cuz I'm pretty sure we are the only losers with no plans on New Years Eve) and I personally have no burning desire to stay up until midnight when my auto-pilot generally shuts down sometime around 11pm. That last part is where Amy and I diverge somewhat. New Years Eve is the only night that she feels inclined to stay awake past 8pm. She makes me play cards: an activity which only breeds contention between us, but which lends itself well to the perpetual snacking required to keep our eyes open. Then five minutes before midnight we turn on the television, curious to know if they are still putting post-stroke Dick Clark on live, even though he's become sad and uncomfortable to watch, and we cringe as he slurs his way through count down while the overly-lavish, yet ultimately pointless ball that doesn't actually do anything, drops. At precisely 12:05 we drop into bed, and fall asleep asking each other "so what's your new years resolution?"
I have stopped making resolutions. I haven't stopped thinking about making them, but nothing is ever really resolved. Does anyone actually wake up on New Year's Day feeling a grand sense of rebirth? I certainly don't, and are people capable of the kind of change required to permanently trim waistlines or become wealthy? Part of my problem is that I'm too foggy in the brain to create tangible and measurable resolutions. I know that to lose all my extra weight, become a kick-ass mom, improve my relationship with my spouse, and find a sense of balance in life requires one ultimate solution: to become a better person. None of those fore-mentioned things can come to pass in any real way until I get to the root of my problems, and change my very essence, which is to be a less selfish individual. I must learn to stop taking the path of least resistance, to overcome inertia, to stop trading what I want tomorrow for instant gratification today. And isn't that essentially the purpose of life? So now my resolution has evolved from shedding a hundred few pounds to discovering the meaning of life and using that to transform myself to live my best life. Thanks, Oprah, but I don't need that kind of pressure, and it makes me tired just thinking about it. And yet here I am, thinking about it.
I'll keep thinking about it for at least the next week, until I no longer miss the Christmas lights. Until having Amy working until late into the evening, because she has no holiday help anymore, feels normal again. Until I fall back into the same patterns that brought me here in the first place, and I've gotten over our usual anticlimactic New Year's Eve. Until this maddening sense of ennui that overtakes me mostly only at this time of year fades back into the day-to-day fabric that is my sweetly mundane and flawed life. Hopefully by this time next year things will be different, but if they aren't, you'll know you can always come over and make fun of Dick Clark with us.
I feel the same way about resolutions. I don't make them because I'm tired of the pressure and the inevitable disappointment. And I am SO on board with your Dick Clark observation. I wait to see if he'll be on and then am sad when he starts slurring and shaking. It doesn't really brighten up the new year to be honest.
Oh yeah.. Happy New Year!
Posted by: Tyffany | January 05, 2010 at 08:14 AM