Dear So-and-so

Dear Blog:

I'm very sorry I've been a neglectful poo poo head.  I have tried about a thousand times to write something interesting, witty, and entertaining since Halloween.  I have sat down, loaded up the typepad page, placed fingers to keyboard, taken a deep breath, and then promptly wandered off to eat/knit/play Bejeweled on Facebook.  I just haven't had it in me.  Don't get me wrong, my children are still fascinating sources of hilarity, hi-jinx, and exasperation, I just haven't felt particularly moved to document it all here.

So Sorry, and will try to do better.  Sincerely, your most unreliable blogger.

Dear Boys:

I'm very sorry that your mama has lost her mojo, and that nurturing comfort and stimulating play have been replaced by marathon days of Disney on DVD.  In my defense, however, it was your own mistake to vehemently spurn my suggestions to bundle you up until your limbs didn't bend and send you out into the wintry wonderland that is our backyard.  A little childhood enthusiasm for the magical weather-y circumstances  on your part would be appreciated. 

So sorry, and I will try to do better. Sincerely your well-intentioned-but-not-so-creative mother.

Dear Wife:

I'm so very sorry that you have been working hard, and getting home earlier, only to discover that once you are here, we still don't do anything fun or exciting.  You have been very patient with my nasty mood swings, and have given me far more credit than I deserve for keeping things together.  I love you with all my heart, and hope you don't forget that.

So sorry, and I will try to do better.  Sincerely, your slightly-depressed-but-still-moderately-functional dd.

Dear period:

It's been three months already.  Though I consider you to be a right pain in the ass when you are here, if you would just show up and provide at least a months reprieve from these ever-burgeoning zits, and my nasty anger streak, my family and I would all appreciate it.  You've been on vacation long enough, so get back to work.

You should really be sorry for abandoning me for quite so long, and you should try to do better.  Sincerely, your bloated, irritable, pock-marked female charge.

Dear Maddie:

I'm so very sorry that you have lost your fellow doggy companion.  Trust me, we all feel her absence with pangs in our hearts and tears in our eyes.  But your new-found insistence on shedding enough hair to make up for her and you both has got to stop.  Do you not realize that it's 30 degrees outside when you go out there to pee?  Do you not know that it's disconcerting to have the dog who once shed nary a wee little fluff in six years try to make up for all that time in one month?  Is there some logical explanation to this, like moving up in the pecking order suddenly means you need to start marking your territory with fat wads of white poofballs all over the house, our clothing, our food?  Enough, we know you are still here, we could do with a little less mess, thank you very much.

Sincerely, your loving master, who mistakenly thought that without the black dog around I might again be able to enjoy hair-free meals.   

Dear jerkwad:

I know that it's difficult to miss out on life because your child/children is/are sick.  However, I do not appreciate that every time my children leave the house to go someplace fun like the gym playground, or a moms of twins club Christmas party, I can guarantee that exactly one week later one or both of my munchkins will start manifesting signs of illness, including but not limited too watery eyes, fever, large snaking rivers of disgusting green slime originating from their wee-little elf-like nostrils, and misery-induced whiny temperaments.  We shall have a very snotty Christmas and croupy New Year.  I wish you, inconsiderate jerkwad, the same.

Sincerely, (achoo) two scratchy-throated ankle-biters, and their tired and achy moms (achoo).

To the rest of you, Merry Christmas!  I hope you are enjoying the season, and have surrounded yourself with love, family and friends.  And don't forget, it's time to take the turkey out of the freezer and put it in the fridge to thaw. 

Comments

[Corrie]

Dear Rachel,
Thank you always for your witty, humorous, and insightful words and for sharing them so freely with your adoring masses. I fear you may be spending too much time with 2 year olds as you referred to yourself as a poo poo head in this entry. Amy, I think she needs a night out. Oh yeah, by the way, thanks for the turkey tip. I totally just took mine out!!

Love always,
Corrie