Two Years Ago

Two years ago today I couldn't see my feet.  I could hardly walk, I could barely breath, and I was scared shitless.  

Two years ago today we picked my mom up from the airport, and we went to the Olive Garden for dinner, for one last pre-baby hurrah.  I didn't eat much, I was too scared.  Scared in general, scared of surgery, scared I'd get sick during or after surgery, scared of being a mom, scared of surgery, scared of my kids, and whether when push came to shove I'd be able to step up to the plate and be the kind of mom I wanted to be, scared of surgery.

Two years ago today I was frantically trying to put my house back together, the best I could given my physical limitations, after having the carpet in the entire house replaced the day before.  This was not poor planning on our part, it was a warranty job, and in one of my only glorious attempt to "nest", I wanted it done before the babies were born.  My second attempt to "nest" was taking the dogs to Petsmart to be groomed before the babies came.  I think Amy is still sporting scars from that seemingly innocent trip through the store, and my absolute burning hatred for the idiot who decided it was a good idea to put the entrance to grooming in the back of the store found a whole new reason to flare that day.  I don't think the dogs have been groomed at Petsmart since.  

Two years ago today I was feeling my babies movements inside of me for the last time.  I was in absolute elation that we had made it safely to the pre-determined delivery date, with no pre-term labor or complications.  I was in awe that after all the frustration and hell we'd been through to create these babies, after all the times my body had failed me, hadn't been the right size, the right shape, done the right things, when it really mattered, my broken and imperfect body had finally done something right, and carried my babies to term.  I'd brought them this far, and it was now someone else's turn to hold them for a while.  

Two years ago tomorrow I watched Amy suit up in a flattering white hospital jump-suit while she made fun of my monumental cankles.  I saw the disappointment in my mom's eyes as the nurse was telling her that she was sorry, there was just not enough room to have an extra person in the operating room to see the boys be born, and in the very next breath, ask my permission to have a nursing student stand in to watch the surgery.  I was still scared shitless.  I wanted very much to get off the table and go home to watch videos in my pajamas and balance my cereal bowl on my belly, but instead I used my deep breathing techniques from my childbirth class to keep from having an anxiety attack. 

Two years ago tomorrow, Amy almost missed seeing her kids be born because of a stupid nurse, but made it in time to take the most spectacularly grotesque and fascinating pictures I have ever seen.  I survived the surgery and stopped being scared as I heard first one tiny baby cry out, and a minute or two later, a second distinctly different baby cry.  I heard our camera shutter clicking away, and felt Amy hold her breath twice, in what I later came to realize was that painful eternity between the time when you first see your baby, and then you hear that first scream. 

Two years ago tomorrow, Benjamin came into the world a whopping 7lbs, 2 oz, and Grayson followed one minute behind, at 6lbs, 5 oz.  After saying hello to me, they were promptly whisked away to the nursery, and I didn't see them again for hours, though Amy came in to give me updates as often as she could tear herself away. 

Two years ago tomorrow, I had my heart stolen by two tiny little men.  I watched my partner kick into mom mode, and I gained a new found respect for her ability to instantly devote her entire being to these two helpless babies, and at the same time she selflessly nursed me through a pretty brutal recovery. 

Two years ago tomorrow I had no idea that Benjamin would be such a mama's boy, and that Grayson would have such an inquisitive nature, but I did know instantly that these little guys had arrived with their own distinct personalities, and that they already had their own ideas about how things would go, despite any preparations on my part.  I can't believe it's gone so fast, though I knew in my heart that it would.  Happy Birthday my little men, I can't wait to see what kind of people you are two years from now!

 

 

ps, there are fun new pics of their second birthday party on the right there...

Comments

[Amie]

I had no idea they were such big babies. You were carrying quite the load! I got off facebook about 2 weeks ago. I can always reactivate but I don't plan on doing it anytime soon. So I'll have to keep updated by reading your blog. Ours is private but I would love to send you an invite. If your interested send me your email address to my junk account bringfam@hotmail.com (I use this whenever I enter an email on the web) Thanks and congrats to those twins.